Thursday, August 20, 2009

She's Back...

I have not been here in a long time. I felt the need to delete my other blog that was taking up my time. Until about mid-July, that is, when I stopped blogging completely. No reason, really, I just didn't feel the need like I did in the past. I almost deleted this blog, too. But I didn't.

What you missed while I was gone:

  • I was diagnosed with chronic clinical depression, general anxiety disorder and mild OCD
  • I had my first trip to the dentist
  • I went to Puerto Rico to visit family... for the first time in 14 years
  • I lopped off about 14 inches of my hair
  • I went to the midwest with my family for a week
  • My relationship with my family has become a million times better
  • My mom got a Facebook [squee!]
  • I went to the dentist for the first time in my life
  • I decided not to go to Boston or the Philippines as I reasoned getting closer with my family was way more important right now
  • I had tons of family and friends help me for hours and hours and hours on fixing up the apartment
  • I wrote a couple of songs
  • I drove by myself to another state without getting lost
I'm sure there's tons more, but all in all, it's been a pretty awesome summer.

Over and out

Saturday, June 6, 2009

It's not easy being a snowflake. Yeah, it seems all wonderful to be unique and beautiful, but you're always falling. It's always cold. And, ultimately, you're going to get crushed and buried- then melt away forever as if you never existed. You get lost in the mass of trillions of other snowflakes, just as unique as yourself, but people never see you.

Yet, the reason you exist, is to join with every other snow flake to create a giant blanket of white that makes the world stop, look and listen to the muffled silence. You make the world look up, and though they are looking at you, they don't ever see you. They watch you dance and drift along, but what they see is beauty, the sky, heaven and God. That is why you exist. But it's not easy being a snowflake.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Counting Sheep

Last night I was having serious issues sleeping and generally being sane. One of my former students recommend I try counting sheep. This was my response:

reasons counting sheep doesn't work for me: by the time i get to sheep number 15, sheep number 12 has run off with sheep number 4. Then I have to go chase them until a giant ogre gets in my way. This poses a problem. I run away from the ogre, but then I realize I'm daydreaming and really still awake. I start thinking about what I've got to do the next day. Then sheep number 5 starts trying to eat my students' homework. This poses another problem. I hire a wolf to get rid of the sheep. Then the wolf wants to eat me, but I give him a starburst, instead, and he goes away. The sheep come back. By then, I've lost count and am more awake than ever.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Reasons my Twitter Page is Awesome:

  • either Frank Sinatra is haunting me, or the voices in my head hit their teens in the 40s...
  • do not listen to the giant flamingos. Their ideas are always bad. Very bad.
  • so the 'cello said to the violin, 'You're mean,' and the violin said, 'Pluck you!'
  • take a look at your leg and say, "Something's afoot here, but I can't quite pun it down..."
  • depression makes you medicate on the deeper things in life...

...and that's just from today.


I haven't posted in a while. I've pretty much moved my obsession elsewhere, but I keep this up, too, for a few good friends. =) My instant reaction, otherwise, would be to impulsively delete it, complete with all of the poems that I have yet to transfer into my new journal.

I have "Popular" from Wicked stuck in my head. Not so great.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Random melodies

Melodies have been popping into my head lately. I've actually been recording them. You should be proud.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Piano Thoughts

I feel the piano and the piano feels me. Playing it is like trying to catch lots of fluffy, multicolored lights. I can hear it in my dreams.When I think in piano, I get frustrated because I want to sing it but there are too many notes and they move too fast, and in too many different directions. I try to speak about it, but it is a wordless thought, a wordless thing. I speak and my voice sounds like an awful croak, a disgusting and horrid thing compared to the innate beauty of piano thoughts. Worst of all, I try to play it, but my inner ear is not directly connected to my kinesthetic map of the keys. One day, I will fully attach the sound to my hands, and when I make a hand shape without even touching the keys, I will hear it. That is my deepest and most sincere hope. Then, I will be a satisfied human being and most comfortable and secure in calling myself a musician. Until then, my heart does battle while my fingers, they awkwardly dance, waiting to land on something that is a struggle to keep.

I made it.
Be jealous.
Or pity me immensely.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Doing the maths

3 days until my self-proclaimed three day weekend...
20 days until i get to see a doctor.
50 days until my summer break.
63 days until i go to puerto rico for the first time in fourteen years.
91 days until i go to berklee.
15 months until i go to england.
27 years until i retire.

Days of my life that are gone forever: 8,948

Days of my life that are left: unknown

I will be single for the rest of my life.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I don't think I can watch sad movies by myself anymore. I watched 'The Fountain' which was an excellent film, in my opinion, and had a wonderful twisted, imaginative, heart-wrenching plot. After watching it, I promptly had a nervous breakdown, but somehow managed to peel myself off the floor and get to the piano, working through a Chopin Ballade I've been picking at. By the time I was through, I had stopped crying and the nerves in my face had stopped tingling.

Something about having to comfort myself through all of these times makes me innately angry. At one point I was so upset I considered moving back in with my parents, which of course, is crazy talk. They are the least comforting people on the face of the planet. It would make way more sense to have my brother move in with me. But they would never allow it.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Dear Diary,
I've been fighting kidney stone attacks all afternoon on and off. I don't know if and when it's going to stop, or even if it has already. I do not like this game. I do not like it a lot.

On a more positive note, I got accepted to participate in the Summer Institute for Piano Teachers at Berklee College of Music in Boston. I needed that piece of sunshine!!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


My throat is sore. And I took this quiz:

Your romantic attachment style: Intense and Preoccupied

I'm preoccupied and intense in my relationships.

You have described yourself as preoccupied in your attachments. This suggests that you have more intense interpersonal relations than many people do, that in your romantic relations you sometimes feel really quite close, and at other times you feel almost estranged and cut-off. You probably have a hard time asserting yourself in a way that makes you feel you are really in control of your emotions. You may find that you often feel let down and as if you are giving much more than you get in your romances.

It's possible that your partners feel as if you don't really know who they are, even though you feel you are very intimate with them. You probably have a higher level of emotional arousal than most other people, both positive and negative, and this gets expressed in your romantic relationships. You may find it hard to be without a lover, and yet find that when you have a lover, the intensity puts a strain on the relationship.

Being preoccupied in romance is a matter of degree. A good lover thinks of the beloved often and holds the beloved in her or his thoughts. Mindfulness is a virtue and being mindful of one's lover is highly regarded and a tremendous asset in close relationships. But there's a difference between mindfulness and preoccupation. If you feel that perhaps you have been too preoccupied in love, it may be time for you to consider professional help. Being overly preoccupied in love is a condition that can often be successfully addressed in psychotherapy.

Remember that attachment styles exist in degrees, and in this test, the degree to which a style is true for you will make a difference in your interpretation. Everyone has to have some style or another, and the features of any one style only become maladaptive when they exist in the extreme.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

do you ever feel that crushing, nagging sense of defeat?

...yeah, me too.

my mom has an esophageal hernia and she's throwing a party. those are two separate thoughts...

Friday, April 10, 2009


I took some pills so I could sleep. But I can't sleep. So I decided to look up mental disorders. Some more. And I took some quizzes and found out I don't have Asperger's or Autism, which I already knew, but I took the quiz to make sure they were legit. Ish.

Anywho, big surprise, I have a seriously likelihood of depression [which I already know I have because I've actually been diagnosed on that one], bipolar tendencies, and something I keep denying I have- Adult ADHD. But at least they gave me this pretty badge:

Serious ADHD Likely!

Monday, April 6, 2009


A thousand profile views. Do I get some kind of award?


So I finished this painting yesterday. It began as a deposit for a blue color I had concocted. Then I began experimenting with different brush sizes, shapes, and textures in greens, yellows, and whites. I wasn’t really thinking much of anything other than getting the strokes mostly vertical. I literally tapped the brush on the surface of the canvas while I held it up, playing it like a drum. At one point, I heard one of my neighbors blasting ‘Clocks’ by Coldpay and I started playing in that 8/8 rhythm [1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2]. Once I felt like I had enough marks, I put it down for a bit. Then I found the word “dinner” from a newspaper cut-out I had found on the steps at work one day. I attached it to a splotch of wet paint, then decided to turn it into a fish, and create a hook, because at this point the more that I looked at the piece the less it looked like random strokes and the more it looked like the marshland near where I live. Funny how that can happen sometimes.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Oh My Goodness

I absolutely adore this artist's photography. It's so dramatic, imaginative, colorful, and seductive. It juxtaposes ideas, jars, and tells a story. Great awesomeness.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

So today was the most wonderful April Fool's Day by far. I stuffed two jackets on the hammers of the upright piano in my classroom, making it impossible to play and causing resistance when anyone should try to press down the keys. Then I took my handy dandy dismembered baby doll head, arms, and legs and placed them neatly on top of the jackets along with a note, bidding the musician who finds it, 'April Fools!'. Then I closed the upright lid and placed the books on top of it the way it normally always is in my classroom. I also set the date on the board to 'March 32', unplugged the 88 key electronic keyboard and hid the headphones that belong to it. I also unplugged the smaller electronic keyboard, but only on the keyboard part so the adapter was still on the wall and everything 'appeared' plugged in. Then I went to the computer station where my compositions use compositional software and unplugged the mouse and the keyboard, but kept them close to the slots so it seemed they were plugged in. I also put away the electric pencil sharpener and replaced it with an uber tiny manual sharpener.

This is definitely my favorite holiday. =)

And per request, here is an example of artwork that I was looking at recently. I was moved by compassion when I saw them because they are quite beautiful. In fact, they are far better than anything I think I ever could produce. It makes me sad to think that the artistic world, by constantly rejecting this talented and very troubled man, was responsible for the deaths of so many. The butterfly effect, indeed.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Sea Sick

So this poor old sea turtle was sick. What did it decide to do? It decided to swim to the only hospital that is certified to treat sea turtles. That's right. There's only one sea turtle hospital, and this little guy [or big...girl?] swam right up to it. Don't believe me? Read about it.

Oh, how I am not looking forward to April Fool's day this year. I am much too gullible and naive, and I don't even have any good pranks planned for my kids this year to make up for it...

Monday, March 30, 2009

I just stuck my application to the Summer Piano Teacher Institute at Berklee in the mail. I'm so excited. I'd do cartwheels if I could. Berklee sounds so wonderful. I wish I could be there right now...

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Dear Diary,

Last night there was a wicked thunderstorm. I stayed up for four hours straight composing a choral piece. I don't have a recording of it because I don't have a choir in my apartment. I gave it to the choir director at my church this morning. He seemed pretty excited about it.

So after I went to bed, it had stopped raining and thundering finally. I had just started to fall asleep where out of friggin nowhere, this humungous thunderclap hits somewhere really close by, and it was so strong that it shook my whole building. All I could think was, that was the wrath of God, man.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My Ghost

I finished painting him last night. I'm really proud of his beard. He now lives on top of my white and music bench outside my door.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Faux Art Stuffs

Per request, here is one doodle:

Here is the painting 'Mind Reader' which two people told me yesterday that they saw and really wanted to read. Go figure.

Here is stage one of another painting. I have absolutely no clue where it's going, and I'm scared out of my mind I will totally screw it up.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It's All About YOU Now... [Please Comment!]

Over time this blog has evolved and transformed as these things are bound to do sometimes. Since you are the people who I'm really writing for, what would you like to see more of?

Diary entries?
Random lists?
Faith posts?
Have other suggestions?

I crave your comments, so fire away!

Outside the Box

Here are some strange things I've seen around the piano lab this week:

  • A box with a shirt, tux, and a drill.
  • A bucket with sea salt and peanut butter
  • Horse riding magazines

I am fully perplexed.


I have been a bit out of sorts lately.

But I did manage to find a blog I like. It is awesomeness. Click here.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Interesting things I did today

  1. Sharpened a plastic pen with a little yellow hand pencil sharpener. The plastic was soft and came out in bits like the pencil shavings do, in little curls. Now I never have to click the pen to get it to write. I can just click it to annoy people.
  2. Click.
  3. Took a nap at my desk after teaching but before the meeting I had to take care of.
  4. Click.
  5. Heard some children say, "I am goingeth to doth bathroometh" "What are you doing?" "Talking like Romeo and Juliet." "What does doth mean?" "WE DON'T KNOW!!!"
  6. Click.
  7. Had my work computer yell at me for organizing my student's composition audio files onto the server space that's set aside in my name.
  8. Click.
  9. Managed to make it through the jungle my neighbor set up outside of his door and to my apartment. His jungle consists of: a broom, coal, shoes, big green potted plants, empty beer bottles, a cooler, an empty beer box, and a barbecue.
  10. You thought I was going to say click, didn't you?
  11. ....
  12. ......
  13. ........
  14. Click.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen

Just more of me singing.


I think the saddest thing about this holiday is that none of the women I talked to had ever heard about it.

There is something fundamentally tragic and deeply wrong with this.

Next year I will start raising awareness earlier, and maybe people in this country will 'get it.'

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Last Post Before Bed...

I just drew this while listening to a recording of myself singing the same song over and over on loop. It was kind of an out of body experience. I think I might sing myself to sleep now... or, err, listen to myself singing until I fall asleep.

Oh. And I saw The Science of Sleep today. It made me cry for an hour and a half. To quote August Rush, "I counted."

Angel Cover

This song has always been very special to me ever since I first heard it. Since I've been in a depressively singing mood today, I decided to try my hand at a Sarah MacLachlan cover. I would've played the piano part, too, but my piano is embarrassingly out of tune at the moment.

So go ahead, click the bear. You know you want to.


I'd never heard of this group before, but I think they are totally amazing. I've youtubed just about every song they have available. I especially liked the video that went this one. It pretty much describes my weekend. And my life.

I'm ready for summertime

This is me singing. Yeah. k, bye.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Downtown through the Eyes of a Naive Wench

I didn't take as many pictures on this adventure as I normally do when I go on my little escapades. Mainly, because I didn't want my camera to get stolen. I started out the night playing the "With Flash, Without Flash" game. It went a little something like this:

Random door near where I parked, with flash.

Random door near where I parked, without flash

I'd say the colors without flash are more true to life, and the blur makes it look gnarly. Without flash wins. On to round two:

Random park bench in the square near where I parked, with flash

Random park bench in the square near where I parked, without flash

Again, the colors here are more true to life with that yellowish tint coming from a street light nearby. Again with the gnarly. Liking it muchly. Now for round three:

Up close and personal with park bench, with flash

Up close and personal with park bench, without flash

Definitely way cooler. It looks like something at an amusement park. All dizzy and pretty-like. Ok. I've got to be sure. One more test:

Random historic building near the square near where I parked my car, with flash

Random historic building near the square near where I parked my car, w/out flash

It most assuredly looks spookier and way more rad without flash. I'm keeping it. No more flash for the rest of the night.

Random parking thingy with awesomely fonted #2

Mandatory tourist shot

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Happy Birthday Mike of the Future!

I made a drawing.
It's just a little bit weird.
I think it's the best one I've made in a long time.

Haha, wow.

I have a confession. Sometimes, when I'm bored, I google myself. I did that today and discovered that one of my favorite comic strip artists, John Forgetta, mentioned my blog on his blog. Sweet! Of course this was about three months ago, so I'm a bit slow on the uptake. But it made my day.

In other news, there are 103 days left until my much needed summer break... give or take a day.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

This entry will be unforgivably long

So, yesterday I saw this video which encouraged me about being able to afford healthy foods. I had been so overwhelmed before and didn't know where to start. Now I feel more at ease about it. Then I did some research on brown rice, which I made last night. Here are some things I learned, which I never knew before:

  • Even uncooked brown rice should be stored in the refrigerator.
  • Brown rice that is not grown organically in the U.S. has the highest levels of arsenic than any other brown rice in the world. Conclusion: they ARE trying to kill us.
Then, I also stumbled upon another article today about calcium intake, which I couldn't find just now when I tried, but it was an uber breakthrough for me. It turns out low levels of calcium are associated with chronic kidney stones which is something I suffer from. I also stopped drinking milk several years ago. Even my urologist couldn't figure out why I kept getting stones. Now I know I need to get more dairy.

On a completely unrelated tangent, I saw this video about people's perceptions of those who wear glasses verses people who don't wear glasses. The survey found that people with glasses are perceived as:
  • More intelligent
  • Less likely to cooperate with others
  • Unattractive
Well don't that 'splain' a lot? I, for one, have been wearing glasses since I was about eight years old. That translates to most of my social life. Hahaha. Or UNsocial life. Moving on.

Today I managed to inadvertantly transform my random unfocusing skills into cross-curriculum, interdisciplinary discussions. In short, I taught my composition students what code is, and how they can view the source for any web page on the world wide net. I learned that, whereas most sites have their code neatly organized into hierarchies, the people at google just have one long stream.

For comparison purposes, here is a snippet of the code for Yahoo!'s main page:


And here is a snippet of the source code from Google's main page:


It was such a fascinating discovery that one of my students informed me he would probably go home and view source files all day. I've started a revolution. Ok, maybe not.

I also told them about the Boston Molasses flood of 1919 which they had never heard about before. I can't believe it; it's one of those golden stories you just don't forget, despite the tragedy.

I also have lots of fun sometimes taking screen shots with mwsnap. That, however, is completely tangential. Kind of like this whole post. Facebook chat emote for weird guy\'s face!

So, anyway, I came home and I made a strawberry smoothie, which was wonderful. Then I saw where one of my friends had twittered this video, which I and my so-called evangelical Christian self thought was pretty interesting.

Yesterday my neighbor texted me asking me to listen to the piano part for Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. It's in this nice minor modality, but rock piano is so repetitive and boring sometimes. It was really easy to learn because it wasn't as syncopated as most pieces out there are. Syncopation and complex, intricate rhythms are my musical kryptonite. So is dictation. Ha. He sent me the message at 7am, which was weird, and even though I responded last night I haven't heard back. Whatever. Boys are weird.

Speaking of which, somebody else said he was going to call me yesterday and never did. Before, this really would have bothered me. But this time I got smart. When he said he'd call me, I didn't expect him to. And now it doesn't sting inside like it used to. Go me.

And that's the end of this educational video. Please rewind before returning. Thanks!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

There are no absolutes.

The very irony in human logic, is that it falters so greatly. The wisdom that humans have garnered over the centuries can and will lead us to two diametrically opposed conclusions if we allow it to.

There are no absolutes? None, whatsoever?

Isn't that an absolute statement, thereby negating the whole premise?

The answer, my friends, is yes.

I used to sit for hours and read, ponder, write, and truly dwell on the inner workings of my chaotic life, finding patterns and stretching them out in my hands, working through them. Philosophy used to be my pillow, deep analysis used to be my footrest. Now I barely read at all. I feel like I hardly think anymore, other than to solve somebody else's problems for them.

But what happened to thinking for thinking's sake? To reading, absorbing, digesting, disecting, understanding, debating, wrestling? I never seem to do that anymore with anything. I don't have the time. Too much of my life is spent being half-alive, meeting deadlines, keeping people happy, bills paid and my apartment from exploding. I am so sick of running around. I want to quit something and make more time for myself. I want to have time to devote to creative pursuits without the guilty, nagging feeling that humongous piles of laundry are piling up, letters are yet to be answered, and dishes are yet to be done. I want to come home and not be tired out of my ever-living brain.

All these worries, strains and cares keep me from feeling energized, focused, and revitalized. I want to be sharp, ready to take on the world like I was when I was younger. But I have hit this hard stage where my body is wanting to take over my mind and there is nothing to appease it, nothing to calm it, nothing to hold it back, and nothing to give it. The flesh and mind are such mortal enemies some times. I want to overcome it on my own, but I am too weak.

I used to be so strong.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

It became so clear to me tonight. Building my band back up is the answer. Chic and I are gonna hold out until the summer so a few people can move on out of our way because they don't belong. Then we're gonna dig for gold and get to it.

It's about time.

And this time I'm picking the name cuz our last one was kinda lame.


I came home from church and slept for 4 and a half hours. I feel so fuzzy, man.

And I'm not even hungry, but I dreamed I was eating with my family at McDonalds. Which is really weird.


The sky is still all rumbly in its tumbly.

The good news is, I got to sleep for slightly less than 3 hours in a row. Woot.


This gets a bit old after a while, doesn't it?

It's 3am. I'm going to have an uber crappy day if I can't sleep for more than 40 minutes.


I'm back because I know you oh so desperately needed an hour by hour update of my night/morning.

So it's 2am and this wicked thunderclap woke me back up from my about to sleep.

And the worst of the thunderstorm is officially here. So, naturally, I flocked to my computer.

Then I went out in the main room and sang a series of depressing, bluesy songs in the dark as they came to mind because my voice is very low and rich at this time of night. I enjoy singing low, bluesy songs because they're me. I kinda wish I had grown up listening to more blues and folk music because those genres fit my voice type more than anything else I've ever sung.

Anyway, yeah. It's 2am. That painkiller I took was super good. It removed the headache and now I feel kinda foggy but in a woozy, whoa dude, kinda way. It's comforting through all this.

I need to see my doctor again. About depression. And get back on pills for it.

But I won't.


So, it's 1am.

I caught myself singing in my sleep.

I think I was singing my name.

And I got up to improvise on the piano. It was a very simple, flowy, repetitive motive that had a Spanish minor flavor to it and morphed subtly into various remote keys. I liked it.

It's 1am.

At least the party next door is over.

Pish. When I used to party it lasted at least until 4 in the morning. Lame.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

So, it's 11pm on a Saturday night and I was home alone sorting vegetables after I finished composing two more pages on my new piece. While I was separating the broccoli from the carrots, my cat was just staring at me like 'what is wrong with you? Don't you have anything better to do?'

There's a full, blown out rave/party going on next door.

I think I'm going to have some carrots and strawberries, take some heavy duty pain meds, and settle into bed to forget about life for a while.

Don't Even Bother

i've practiced until my hands are raw, my back is sore, and my brain is worn out. i can hear them practicing bass and jamming and having fun next door. i feel so dead compared to them. why am i this zombie machine? why am i the responsible adult?

why have all of my friends moved away? even the ones that live in the same city as me don't even talk to me anymore.

did i do something wrong? or is it because i just live too much out of my head?

is anybody out there even listening?

i'm probably going to go back and practice. when i play my mind is too focused on reading the notes to let these questions bother me. hopefully i will wear myself out enough to where i'll be able to sleep- and hopefully he'll stop playing his bass so loud next door to where it rumbles the walls in my room like it did last night so i couldn't sleep.

Friday, February 27, 2009

I Have A Song

...and it stings when it's nobody's fault.
how i wish you would have fought
me to your dying day
don't let me slip away...

I sometimes wish these words that other people felt wouldn't crawl into my brain all my life and change who I am. Musicians can be so imposing.

So, anyway, I've started composing. I haven't written in a very, very, very long time. The bit that I jotted down tonight sounded surprisingly good when I tried it out on the piano. I'm a visual and analytical composer; I can't hear what I write but I can see how it would work or wouldn't work. I can feel it under my hands, sometimes, too even when I'm away from the keyboard.

This piece will be gorgeous. I can feel it in my veins. It's already a sucker to play, but after I write it, I will practice it so that I can play it somewhat proficiently. Then I will attempt to record it and post it here for a listen. The whole process, of course, will take forever. Which is why improvisation is so much cooler sometimes.

I feel much happier about composing now that I have several years of teaching music under my belt; it's caused me to teach myself certain things, to pay attention, and to see the music in a way that I wasn't really forced to do in college. I understand much more fluently various aspects of form, harmonic flow, rhythmic transformation, and melodic fragmentation. In short, it's time for me to accept the fact that, despite the fact that I'm surrounded by musicians both older and younger than me with stronger talents and skills in areas where I am quite weak, I am still a composer. My mediocre skill level does not negate the fact that I need to speak and locate that voice which has been missing for Oh so long...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Dear Diary,

Yes, I've gone back to inserting the formalities. It's just comforting in a nostalgic sort of way.

Yeah, I just wanted to say that I UBER FAIL at life. I mean, total EPICK PHAILE. And it makes me kinda hate myself. And when I say kinda, I mean a lot.

I lose.


I quit.

~Edna Pontellier


The Creationist
Songwriters: Chambers, Guy; Koiv, Kerli;

This is an old and funny poem
I accidentally overheard
It keeps the little children playing
And bigger children spread the word
My memory is bad
So I always tend to forget how it goes but

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way

You're no better or no worse than the others
We are all the same
And life is just a moment
You might as well enjoy this day
It's time to start believing
Everything you want is on it's way and

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way

We'll be growing, into knowing
While we're flowing
Keep on going

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way
I'm a creationist, oh, I'm a creationist

This is an old and funny poem
I accidentally overheard.

Oops. I did some doodles. Haha. And this is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet. I can't believe I just quoted Juno. Something is obviously wrong with me.

I like the painting, too. I think I might give it to my piano student after she graduates and moves away. I dunno. It just kinda popped into my head today while I was teaching her.

*Sigh* I still need to decide what I'm going to do this summer. I've put off praying about it, but pretty soon meetings will start up about the next mission trip to the Philippines. And I told my grandma that I'd call her this month about going to visit them for the first time in forever. The month is almost over... and I still don't know what I want to do. Or what I should do. Part of me feels like I have to go to the Philippines because I promised people I would come back in the summer. But in my heart, I'm not sure I want to go. I mean, if I'm going just to make people happy and not because that's where God wants me to go... then it kind of defeats the purpose. And I've still got to find time to get my taxes filed; I had to pay a lot of money last year. I'm not sure I'd be able to afford a big trip. But I really feel like I need to leave the country at least for a little while, again. I mean, I might as well, I have my passport and all.

Maybe I just need to chew on it.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

: eltiT

I am really glad I am halfway through my week. I don't think I can take much more of this getting up early thing.

My mom told me today was Ash Wednesday, and this is the first year that I've been completely oblivious to it. Like it's been a while since I've participated, but I've never been totally disconnected from it. There's always been at least some person or other who crossed my path, proudly donning the ashes of humility on their forehead like I used to do.

Quite a paradox there, isn't it?

Kind of like how the people I end up getting the closest to are the ones that live the furthest away from me. At any rate, it is very nice to have someone to talk to every day, other than myself, the walls, and my cats.

Who says the devil's not involved?

The salmonella-tainted peanut butter outbreak has affected 666 lives. Uh-huh. That's right. Read it and weep.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


I feel foggy and detached again. I've slowly allowed myself to slip and haven't been spending as much consistent time in daily prayer and bible study as I should. I've started to become more self-centered and control seeking again rather than listening and acting out of obedience and faith. Instead of trusting. Instead of taking Proverbs 3:5-6 to heart.

My apartment is in pieces. There are things I should get done but I just don't have the heart to do. I know one day it will bother me so much that I'll just pop and spend a whole day cleaning and sorting and working myself silly. Then I'll feel tons better- but I just can't make myself do that now.

I hope I can sleep well tonight. I've been getting the proper amount of sleep, but I haven't really been resting lately. I keep waking up in the middle of the night worried, despite Philippians 4:6-7, Matthew 6:25-34, and Psalm 46. It all ties into my imagined need for control. I used to have such a strong sense of peace, but that peace got greatly shaken when I decided to step outside of the bounds of God's will by not focusing on Him. I hope this week, by His grace, I can realign my sights to what is more important than anything else I could ever know...

Saturday, February 21, 2009

I left my apartment twice today. I had unexpected encounters both times.

The first time there was frost on my car which surprised me because the sun had been up for a while.

The second time I went out to get my mail, and as I got to the stairs, I heard my neighbor's door open. I kept on walking and pretending like I didn't hear because I really wasn't in the mood to stop and chat. I heard his keys jingle as he followed me down the stairs... and over to his car and stopped. I walked all the way to my mailbox, and he got in the car and he turned it on- and just sat there. It made me incredibly uncomfortable because I could feel him watching me. I walked all the way back to my apartment and he was still just sitting there in his car. I finally glanced over to see what was up because it was unnerving me, and sure enough he was staring dead at me. I didn't like that at all. He didn't leave until I was up the stairs and in my apartment again. It officially creeped me out. I've talked to him a couple of times in the past and know he wouldn't do anything psycho-but I dunno. Prolly if we talked more often it wouldn't have felt so strange to me, but honestly I'm not in the mood for chasing rabbits. It's not worth my time.

I think another reason the whole thing made me uneasy was because it reminded me of when someone else sat in his car in front of my apartment for a long time before actually leaving... and I don't like what happened then. I don't want a repeat.

In other news, I think I'm too open, sometimes. Like maybe I tell people too much, too soon. I've been criticized about that before... but I'm afraid it's just part of my nature. It gets me in a lot of jams, emotionally, but I guess that's what peanut butter is for!

Friday, February 20, 2009

I feel special

Today one of my students gave me a Valentine's Day present- happy socks! It's the only thing I got this year, but I wasn't expecting them. Especially not today.

Then I found out that Mike did a painting for me, too. That pretty much rocks... my socks off? Oh wow. I should probably be in bed now. I contemplated posting a poetic and extremely ambiguous reflection, but I'm sure I will have plenty of time for that tomorrow. Or, more likely, when I wake up some time in the middle of the night. Again. Oh boy...

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Whoa, dude. This is crazy, man. Check it.

News in the State of Me

Apparently somebody who used to go to my church and lives in the same area as me got robbed and stabbed several times last night. That's kind of scary.

I sang my solo in choir tonight, but since I didn't have a mic I was belting out when my voice was already tired and feeling futile because I couldn't hear myself. When that happens, my nerves all in my hands start to tingle and my voice gets itchy and breaks. I completely forgot the ad libs at the end, too. I definitely need to practice it more before March 8th. Everybody still told me it sounded wonderful. Oh that performer tradition in me- smile, nod, thank you very much. [Resist every impulse to admit how much it truly sucked.]

He thanked me for the Valentine... as disconnectedly and late as possible. I'm not impressed. But it sounds like the verses made an impression on him, so maybe it will change how he sees the world- for the better. That will be good for him. My work here is done.

I'm very excited about tomorrow night. It's a good thing all my lesson plans are already made out for tomorrow because I'm prolly not going to be able to concentrate at all. But, hey, what else is new?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Let Me Be a Living... Sanctuary

She looked at me with hurt and fear in her eyes today, pleading for mercy, looking for sanctuary, acceptance, safety. Try as I might, there was nothing I could do. No protection I could offer. The hate and disdain of the self-righteous world is sinking in quickly. She was humiliated and scorned, set in a world to face certain doom. There are consequences for every action, and though I don't think she is right, I think she is still human- a human who needs compassion.

What could I say as they fled to me for comfort? As they emotionally clung to each other for support? There is a mass of questions that roars about inside me, but above all the tumult is why, why, why?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Ticking Time Bomb

Today I exploded. I just couldn't take it anymore. It finally hit me that everything I'd ever been working towards was nothing in my hands. And I'm stuck here, forced to smile and make do without, make everyone else feel better, and pretend everything's ok. Everything's not ok. I just started listening to metal and dancing my brains out. It made me feel a little bit better. I love to entertain people and make people happy, but there comes a point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of. Like there are certain people who only ever talk to me when they're bored, and that's my role in their lives. Other than that, I'm not really a human being at all.

When will someone be able to fill MY needs? It's such a selfish question to ask, but I'm starting to feel like all of my hoping is vain. My head knows better, but my heart is breaking more and more and more each day. I just don't know what to do anymore. I quit. I quit, I quit, I quit.

I can't believe he left and didn't even say good bye. Never returned my calls. Just nothing. Like I'm nothing. It always happens like that- deserted in the middle of the ocean without a raft. After all that I've sacrificed for him, and all I get in return is this hollow, empty feeling that I'm worthless.

And to add insult to injury, I spent six hours on that valentine to cheer someone else up and didn't get so much as a thank you or even a cordial hello. Why is it that I feel compelled to heal the hurts of others and extend compassion when no one extends compassion towards me? I'm tired of it. So, so tired of it. But I can't stop my nature. My nature is to sacrifice... for people who could care less about me. Oh I'm going to be so, so, so miserable for the rest of my life.

I hate this. I'm being beaten down by satan in the most cruel, dreadful way, and he knows just which self-hating buttons to push. Again, my head knows what's going on, but my heart is too jaded to fight. I wish God would throw me a bone. Or just end it all and take me home. That would be super awesome, too. Cuz I quit.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Things I did today...

  • sleep
  • entirely too much internet
  • sleep some more
  • teach
  • eat candy
  • bake a brownie
  • clean. ish.
  • sing. a lot.
  • played the funeral march and giggled
  • almost get eaten by my neighbor's dog
  • watched The Butterfly Effect 2

I also walked by a pile of flower heads on the ground of various colors that looks like Valentine's Day exploded. It made me smile. I almost picked up one of the flowers to keep, just to say that I got flowers on Valentine's Day. But I didn't. If it's still there tomorrow and I remember, I might take a picture of it.

The movie slightly disappointed me. I couldn't put my finger on it at first, but it bugged me so much that I kept thinking about it until I figured it out. First, the main character was much more selfish and shallow than the one in the original movie. Also, they removed the element of the blackouts which made everything entirely too obvious. Also, they stayed within a much shorter period of time that was being altered which made it not as... interesting. I was pretty grateful that it wasn't as disturbing as the first one to me, though- I ended up crying for hours when I saw the original and I almost made myself sick.

One other thing bugged me about the movie, just because it's one of those hidden assumptions that cultures make and permeates everything and controls our thinking but nobody really pays attention to it. When the guy had...ummm.... romantic encounters with two female characters, they were both blond. But when he messed with time and stuff, the first girlfriend was portrayed as cold, distant, and emotionally unattractive... and her hair had been dyed dark brown. Coincidence? I think not. Thanks Hollywood, for all of your anti-normal people propganda... because what we really needed was another reason to feel unbeautiful. Ugh.


Friday, February 13, 2009

For Mike of the Future

Here is yet another one of my famous cards.





And this comic strip is amazing, in a sad, sad kind of way:

The Meaning of Lila

The Meaning of Lila

The Meaning of Lila

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A Present

It took me about six hours to make it. I am leaving it on his doorstep tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous and a little bit scared. But that's not the point because I'm not doing this for myself. Hopefully it will cheer him up. The worst thing it can do is annoy him. But at least it comes with free chocolate...

I also officially refused to go to dinner Saturday night with the singles group. I'm not sure why. The propaganda of "let's all be miserable together" just wasn't that appealing this year. I think I'll just watch a movie. That will be fun. Or extremely disturbing since I will be watching a sequel to the movie that made me cry for hours, relive some pretty bad memories, and not be able to sleep.

I'll just cross my fingers and hope the sequel is better.



it's 2am. i can't sleep. i woke up because i kept hearing thud, thud, thud and my ears are super sensitive. the thudding noise was my cat. inside the cabinet. he figured out how to open the cabinet and was inside it, peeing all over my pots and pans. so i took him out and put a great big chair in front of it to keep him from getting into it again and tried to go back to bed. then the thud changed to tap, tap, tap. he had gotten on the chair and was STILL trying to open the cabinet door so that the door kept tapping the chair. this was getting on my nerves. so i put him and my other cat in their room for a while and shut the door.

now i can't sleep. thanks. thanks a lot. i'm gonna be so dead at work tomorrow it's not even funny. dead, just dead.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

So last night I had this vicious nightmare. Somehow, my parents managed to park their car in a dead tree. We went and did something in a house, and my mom and brother climbed the tree to get the car down. Of course, nothing happened because the wheels were spinning in midair. So they rocked the car somehow so it would tumble down. It rolled several times and I was afraid my mother and brother were dead. They walked into this hospital type place and seemed fine, but my dad and I weren't with them. We were just standing outside talking. Then I asked my dad why he wasn't going inside to see if they were ok, and what if they were dead? And he seemed really, really sad like on the verge of tears which is odd because my father has not cried my whole entire life. Not one tear. So I went inside and checked to see if my mom and brother had concussions, but they were fine. That made me feel better.

Also, earlier in the dream, there was this girl who passed in front of me who was really upset so I tried to cheer her up even though I didn't know her. Then I followed her into her house and I started to see her memories, of when her dad overdosed on multiple drugs... on purpose, to get away from her mom who apparently also did drugs. It was very sad and very creepy. None of the people in the house knew I was there.

Friday, January 30, 2009

I have one thing to say to this. Amen!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Composing again. I just got a brand new pad of manuscript paper. It still smells fresh and wonderful. I wrote a theme and four variations already, all squeezed onto one page because I still remember what it's like to not have staff paper. Even though my new notebook has over 500 pages. My hand is slightly cramped from composing. It's been a while.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I've been doing some media fasting and away from the computer-ing. It's been pretty useful on putting my life into real-life perspective.

I also have a friend who's coming back soon from the Philippines with a letter for me, and I'm really excited!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Dear Diary,

I think I'm going to start doing away with the "Dear Diary" posts because they feel much too formal and contrived to me now. It didn't start out that way, but things just evolved and you know, whatever.

So today I went to the doctor and found out I have another stone lurking in one of my kidneys just waiting to cause me much pain and tribulation. Luckily, I still have some ultra strong pain medicine from my last one that I'm going to take with me EVERYWHERE from now on.

Before I went in for yet another CT scan, they made me sit in a little room all by myself for a while. It kinda felt like time out. I started wondering what I had done wrong to deserve it, then I started noticing this mirror they had on the wall which was also a mini shelf with a really loopy metal frame. I just started staring at the little loops, finding shapes like hands and people in them. Just before I went insane, they called me to sit down the hall... to wait.

So I'm sitting there with my gigantic purse bag stuffed with papers that I [still] need to grade, but I don't take them out because I know the law of hospitals. The instant I take out something interesting to work on, they will call me to go to a tiny room, take my clothes off, and change into a flimsy gown so they can take pictures of my insides. So I just sat there and played with the metal bead work and tassels on my purse bag. A purse bag is not to be confused with a man bag. Because a purse bag IS a purse. K.

So I'm sitting there and I get so bored that the nurses who pass by feel sorry for me, and they're so tired that they start talking to themselves. So they end up aiming their self-talk towards me and I smile and nod patiently. Because I'm a patient. At one point, I overheard the woman who was supposed to be testing me have a highly entertaining phone conversation with a woman who needed to take castor oil to... I'm still not sure what for, but I do know that she only took it three hours prior and was upset that she didn't feel the effects. The nurse promptly recommended fluids, faith in castor oil, and promised that the woman would be tap dancing in the morning.

I don't know who this castor oil god is, but if faith in him requires tap dancing, I'd rather go find somebody else because that sounds like too much work. I have a friend that tap dances. She says her teacher likes choreography with lots of hops, but she doesn't like doing lots of hops because there are three sections of her that come up and down all at different times when she hops.

I know, I know. The visual. You're welcome.

So I'm STILL waiting there, and this nurse comes by and deposits one of her patient's things on the chair next to me because he had left them behind. I recognized the up-dated desert camoflouge jacket and reasoned that it must be a soldier. Eventually, he came back for his articles, with a single crutch and a really heavy latin accent. Not Latin as in the dead language, but Latin as in the stupid name we Americans along with most of the English speaking world affix to anything Hispanic, even though French, Italian, and Portuguese were also all inspired by the Latin of the Roman Empire. Ugh!!!!!!!

Ok. So I heard that he was Hispanic, and he started talking about how he had fought in desert storm the first go round, how they liked to put a lot of Puerto Ricans out there because they are used to the heat. Then I couldn't contain myself. I rudely interrupted in Spanish and asked where in P.R. he's from. He and the nurse both seemed surprised, and after a short banter in Spanish, he continued what he was saying to the nurse. Before they left, though, he tapped me on the arm and said, "Cuidate, Mama" which literally means "Take care of yourself, mother" but the mother is kind of like the words 'girly, chic, babe, etc.' in English, used in the slang, whatever, kind of way. But it got my wheels turning again. I'm not a mother...

I have no earthly idea why I'm so talkative. Um, so typative today. Maybe it's because I don't want to do my BSF homework and I definitely do NOT want to grade. *Sigh*

Monday, January 12, 2009

Dear Diary,

I have been tagged by ManU.... or however you do the umlaut thingy here.... yeah.

Ok. So random. Thinking random....

Six Random Things About Me:

  1. I was sliced out of my mother's womb after she had been airlifted to the hospital with pneumonia. No wonder I had the hiccups when I was born.
  2. I've lived in 7 different homes in the same city in the past 9 years, and, no, I am not on the run from the law. I've also gone to 7 different churches in the same city, too.
  3. I like things that start with the letter P [in English].
  4. I paint when I'm extremely upset. It helps me work through things with my hands. Sometimes I write, type, or play piano as well. When I get really depressed, though, all the music stops playing in my head, and it creeps me out.
  5. I met Placido Domingo when I was ten years old, and that was pretty cool. I have his autograph and all.
  6. I used to go to church with Richard Gere's cousin.

Tag, You're It!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Dear Diary,

I just had the most wonderful evening I've had in some time. This time he called like he said he would, and he bought me dinner. We were going to see a movie, but there wasn't anything good out, so we decided to drive to the beach instead.

So it was lovely. The beach was calm, cool, and tranquil. I learned some things about him that I never would have guessed. I wish we could do this more often, but he's planning on moving across the country in about a month. *sigh* I lose some of the best friends that way.

Either way, it was a blissful time, and I feel extremely blessed and at peace.


Friday, January 9, 2009

Dear Diary,

When I'm at work, it's all about the students. Seriously. It's not about policies and regulations, standards, tests, making parents, bosses, and politicians happy. It's all about the kids.

So yesterday I was teaching one of my classes some of the many words and symbols used in music, which almost always happen to be in Italian. When we got to morendo [dying away] we somehow managed to get onto a lively discussion about the various ways that people can die. Of course, the first thing that popped into my head was a tree falling on someone. That, logically, led one child to start talking about church, and how there's this one kid who always tells lies and he came in one day with a story about how he was headed to church when a tree fell on the car next to him, but he survived. That's when I realized we were way off topic, and I reeled us back into semi-sanity.

Well, today, the kid came back and told me that he had gone to church last night and found out that somebody in his church had just died because a tree fell on them. Creepy. I'm never talking about that in class ever again.

My favorite thing of all time has to be grading tests. Seriously. I let my kids doodle on them, which is quite entertaining, in itself. But then you get bits of gold like this:

A flute player is called a: flutish flutant.

Flutant??? That sounds like something you should use to clear your nose. [BTW, the correct answer is flautist.]

Lastly, but not, I found this hyper cool site about an inspiring Lego artist. Sweet!

~ichabod crane

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dear Diary,

I was reading an article [gasp!] on state unemployment while I was at work. Rather ironic, no? So was this statement they made when they were trying to describe how serious the problem was at unemployment agencies: "Agencies have been scrambling to hire hundreds more workers to handle the calls." It sent my mind into a strange circle. They could totally solve the unemployment problem by having the unemployment agencies hire all the unemployed people, but then there wouldn't be any unemployed people calling, hence no need for those jobs.

My head hurts now.


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dear Diary,

I don't think I've posted in a while. Maybe I have. I don't have a great internal sense of time anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

There's this friend of mine that I'm really worried about because he used to be really close to the Lord, and now he's gotten to this point where he's pulled himself away. He's wedged this great divide between himself and Christ, and all of his Christian friends. I feel partly responsible because I let myself get upset about him not calling me back when he said that he would, and I just pushed him away. Not with forceful, angry, direct words, but just by not pursuing him, checking up on him like I normally would. Well he's in sad shape. He's picked up smoking, he seems dejected, confused, hurt, upset, bitter, and frustrated. If there is a single Christian out there who's actually read this far, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for this nameless friend of mine.

If you just prayed for him, thank you so much. I know that God will bless you for this small, unseen act of kindness.

My own walk has been shaky because I've allowed myself to buy into several lies Satan continually feeds me about my identity, self-worth, and lovability. I'm in the midst of some of the hardest temptations I've ever had, but God continually proves that He is in control. When I asked my music pastor to pray for my friend, he wrote me back and said God kept telling him to pray for me, too! And I didn't even tell him what was going on! THAT is the awesomeness of my God. My temptation actually involves a certain relationship I have [friendshipwise] with a man who is not walking with the Lord, and who has both implicitly and semi-directly attempted to seduce me into the thinking of the world. He is not an evil person, just a lost person with a good, confused heart. That is what makes it tempting because it all started with me wanting to help. Now, God is showing me I can't do things on my own- only He can change hearts and I need my strong Christian friends to hold me accountable, to pray for me, and to throw a bucket of cold water on my face when I get red and hot all over.

If this offended you in the least:

  1. It's my diary, remember?
  2. You don't have to read this.
  3. I probably don't even know you, so this isn't a personal attack.
  4. I love you. Love can be offensive sometimes. That's where we grow

The Child Behind the Ferrets

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Dear Diary,

He called me and we hung out.

When we were at Subways, one of the workers went out on his smoke break to play his ukulele.

Then we went to a cemetery. We are so...

Dear Diary,

Today I did something rather odd. I noticed that one of my neighbors was throwing away a bunch of perfectly good cds, so I nabbed them and added them to my collection. Who would throw away Mancini and Midler??? Ugh.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Dear Diary,

More silly nonsense:

Your Hair Should Be Red

You are a passionate person... both in love and in life.

You have many causes that are important to you. You can be very intense.

You are very fiery. You speak up, and you don't mince words.

You also have a very flamboyant personality. You love to show off.

You are both eccentric and expressive. You like to share your unique point of view.

You can become quite impassioned. So impassioned that you can seem a little overbearing.

You Are a Heart

Your life philosophy can be summed up as, "Love like you've never been hurt."

Your greatest wish is to have harmony in all of your relationships.

You can't help loving people, even when they're incredibly flawed.

You are a true romantic, and you are willing to give almost anyone a second chance.

You Communicate With Your Body

This isn't as bad as it sounds, it just means that you're a "touchy-feely" person.

You need a lot of affection in your life. And for you, this means both giving and receiving little touches.

Warm hearted, you bond with people easily. In fact, you often feel a little sad when you're not in the company of others.

A little moody, you tend to be controlled by your emotions. But a bit hug always comforts you!

You Are Comic Sans

You are a nothing but a big goofball. You're quite playful and fun!

You're widely known for your zany personality and your vivacious attitude.

To say that you stand out in a crowd would be a definite understatement.

Remember that you are overwhelming at times and that people appreciate you best in small doses.

You Can Definitely Spot a Liar

Maybe you have good instincts. Or maybe you just have a lot of experience with liars.

Either way, it's pretty hard for someone to pull a fast one on you. You're like a human lie detector.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Dear Diary,

I created a couple of songs. There's one using just my voice here.

The other one is more electronica and can be heard here.

Source sounds for the second piece came from Freesound. The sounds used were:

weird loop 1 from sleep
loop 02 from Zajo
the most influencial drums 01 from walkerbelm
taffy 1 [dog barks] from uscguy98
tension from ERH

Have fun?

Dear Diary,

Last night I played flag football for the first time in my life. We played in the dark with nerf guns. It was awesome. I took on the role of guardian rather than hunter, and I was surprisingly good at it. There's something about hiding and sneaking at the dark that's very attractive to me; I'm beginning to understand why so many of my family members [I believe the current count is seven] are in or have served their time in the military.

There's also something very important which I am refusing to blog about, because I am so sick of hearing about it. And that is all I will say about that.