Saturday, February 21, 2009

I left my apartment twice today. I had unexpected encounters both times.

The first time there was frost on my car which surprised me because the sun had been up for a while.

The second time I went out to get my mail, and as I got to the stairs, I heard my neighbor's door open. I kept on walking and pretending like I didn't hear because I really wasn't in the mood to stop and chat. I heard his keys jingle as he followed me down the stairs... and over to his car and stopped. I walked all the way to my mailbox, and he got in the car and he turned it on- and just sat there. It made me incredibly uncomfortable because I could feel him watching me. I walked all the way back to my apartment and he was still just sitting there in his car. I finally glanced over to see what was up because it was unnerving me, and sure enough he was staring dead at me. I didn't like that at all. He didn't leave until I was up the stairs and in my apartment again. It officially creeped me out. I've talked to him a couple of times in the past and know he wouldn't do anything psycho-but I dunno. Prolly if we talked more often it wouldn't have felt so strange to me, but honestly I'm not in the mood for chasing rabbits. It's not worth my time.

I think another reason the whole thing made me uneasy was because it reminded me of when someone else sat in his car in front of my apartment for a long time before actually leaving... and I don't like what happened then. I don't want a repeat.

In other news, I think I'm too open, sometimes. Like maybe I tell people too much, too soon. I've been criticized about that before... but I'm afraid it's just part of my nature. It gets me in a lot of jams, emotionally, but I guess that's what peanut butter is for!

Friday, February 20, 2009

I feel special

Today one of my students gave me a Valentine's Day present- happy socks! It's the only thing I got this year, but I wasn't expecting them. Especially not today.

Then I found out that Mike did a painting for me, too. That pretty much rocks... my socks off? Oh wow. I should probably be in bed now. I contemplated posting a poetic and extremely ambiguous reflection, but I'm sure I will have plenty of time for that tomorrow. Or, more likely, when I wake up some time in the middle of the night. Again. Oh boy...

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Whoa, dude. This is crazy, man. Check it.

News in the State of Me

Apparently somebody who used to go to my church and lives in the same area as me got robbed and stabbed several times last night. That's kind of scary.

I sang my solo in choir tonight, but since I didn't have a mic I was belting out when my voice was already tired and feeling futile because I couldn't hear myself. When that happens, my nerves all in my hands start to tingle and my voice gets itchy and breaks. I completely forgot the ad libs at the end, too. I definitely need to practice it more before March 8th. Everybody still told me it sounded wonderful. Oh that performer tradition in me- smile, nod, thank you very much. [Resist every impulse to admit how much it truly sucked.]

He thanked me for the Valentine... as disconnectedly and late as possible. I'm not impressed. But it sounds like the verses made an impression on him, so maybe it will change how he sees the world- for the better. That will be good for him. My work here is done.

I'm very excited about tomorrow night. It's a good thing all my lesson plans are already made out for tomorrow because I'm prolly not going to be able to concentrate at all. But, hey, what else is new?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Let Me Be a Living... Sanctuary

She looked at me with hurt and fear in her eyes today, pleading for mercy, looking for sanctuary, acceptance, safety. Try as I might, there was nothing I could do. No protection I could offer. The hate and disdain of the self-righteous world is sinking in quickly. She was humiliated and scorned, set in a world to face certain doom. There are consequences for every action, and though I don't think she is right, I think she is still human- a human who needs compassion.

What could I say as they fled to me for comfort? As they emotionally clung to each other for support? There is a mass of questions that roars about inside me, but above all the tumult is why, why, why?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Ticking Time Bomb

Today I exploded. I just couldn't take it anymore. It finally hit me that everything I'd ever been working towards was nothing in my hands. And I'm stuck here, forced to smile and make do without, make everyone else feel better, and pretend everything's ok. Everything's not ok. I just started listening to metal and dancing my brains out. It made me feel a little bit better. I love to entertain people and make people happy, but there comes a point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of. Like there are certain people who only ever talk to me when they're bored, and that's my role in their lives. Other than that, I'm not really a human being at all.

When will someone be able to fill MY needs? It's such a selfish question to ask, but I'm starting to feel like all of my hoping is vain. My head knows better, but my heart is breaking more and more and more each day. I just don't know what to do anymore. I quit. I quit, I quit, I quit.

I can't believe he left and didn't even say good bye. Never returned my calls. Just nothing. Like I'm nothing. It always happens like that- deserted in the middle of the ocean without a raft. After all that I've sacrificed for him, and all I get in return is this hollow, empty feeling that I'm worthless.

And to add insult to injury, I spent six hours on that valentine to cheer someone else up and didn't get so much as a thank you or even a cordial hello. Why is it that I feel compelled to heal the hurts of others and extend compassion when no one extends compassion towards me? I'm tired of it. So, so tired of it. But I can't stop my nature. My nature is to sacrifice... for people who could care less about me. Oh I'm going to be so, so, so miserable for the rest of my life.

I hate this. I'm being beaten down by satan in the most cruel, dreadful way, and he knows just which self-hating buttons to push. Again, my head knows what's going on, but my heart is too jaded to fight. I wish God would throw me a bone. Or just end it all and take me home. That would be super awesome, too. Cuz I quit.