Tuesday, March 3, 2009

There are no absolutes.

The very irony in human logic, is that it falters so greatly. The wisdom that humans have garnered over the centuries can and will lead us to two diametrically opposed conclusions if we allow it to.

There are no absolutes? None, whatsoever?

Isn't that an absolute statement, thereby negating the whole premise?

The answer, my friends, is yes.

I used to sit for hours and read, ponder, write, and truly dwell on the inner workings of my chaotic life, finding patterns and stretching them out in my hands, working through them. Philosophy used to be my pillow, deep analysis used to be my footrest. Now I barely read at all. I feel like I hardly think anymore, other than to solve somebody else's problems for them.

But what happened to thinking for thinking's sake? To reading, absorbing, digesting, disecting, understanding, debating, wrestling? I never seem to do that anymore with anything. I don't have the time. Too much of my life is spent being half-alive, meeting deadlines, keeping people happy, bills paid and my apartment from exploding. I am so sick of running around. I want to quit something and make more time for myself. I want to have time to devote to creative pursuits without the guilty, nagging feeling that humongous piles of laundry are piling up, letters are yet to be answered, and dishes are yet to be done. I want to come home and not be tired out of my ever-living brain.

All these worries, strains and cares keep me from feeling energized, focused, and revitalized. I want to be sharp, ready to take on the world like I was when I was younger. But I have hit this hard stage where my body is wanting to take over my mind and there is nothing to appease it, nothing to calm it, nothing to hold it back, and nothing to give it. The flesh and mind are such mortal enemies some times. I want to overcome it on my own, but I am too weak.

I used to be so strong.