Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Ticking Time Bomb

Today I exploded. I just couldn't take it anymore. It finally hit me that everything I'd ever been working towards was nothing in my hands. And I'm stuck here, forced to smile and make do without, make everyone else feel better, and pretend everything's ok. Everything's not ok. I just started listening to metal and dancing my brains out. It made me feel a little bit better. I love to entertain people and make people happy, but there comes a point where I feel I'm being taken advantage of. Like there are certain people who only ever talk to me when they're bored, and that's my role in their lives. Other than that, I'm not really a human being at all.

When will someone be able to fill MY needs? It's such a selfish question to ask, but I'm starting to feel like all of my hoping is vain. My head knows better, but my heart is breaking more and more and more each day. I just don't know what to do anymore. I quit. I quit, I quit, I quit.

I can't believe he left and didn't even say good bye. Never returned my calls. Just nothing. Like I'm nothing. It always happens like that- deserted in the middle of the ocean without a raft. After all that I've sacrificed for him, and all I get in return is this hollow, empty feeling that I'm worthless.

And to add insult to injury, I spent six hours on that valentine to cheer someone else up and didn't get so much as a thank you or even a cordial hello. Why is it that I feel compelled to heal the hurts of others and extend compassion when no one extends compassion towards me? I'm tired of it. So, so tired of it. But I can't stop my nature. My nature is to sacrifice... for people who could care less about me. Oh I'm going to be so, so, so miserable for the rest of my life.

I hate this. I'm being beaten down by satan in the most cruel, dreadful way, and he knows just which self-hating buttons to push. Again, my head knows what's going on, but my heart is too jaded to fight. I wish God would throw me a bone. Or just end it all and take me home. That would be super awesome, too. Cuz I quit.