Thursday, November 13, 2008

Dear Diary,

All day long I haven't been able to get out of my head what he said last night. Spouse. Not ready. Don't want to let the chance go by. Spouse....spouse....

~Obviously Perused

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Dear Diary,

So when I woke up at 2am I had "Move, Mountain" stuck in my head. It stayed with me up through about 3rd period at work.

I decided to go to prayer service tonight which was an awesome decision. I really needed the prayer time and it really cleared my head, focused my mind. Also, a woman at the meeting reminded me that I am being watched by my students and need to live out my Christian faith; that she felt that God was telling her to tell me that there was someone in particular that I'm teaching that is looking specifically to my example. She then prayed that I would be anointed in my work and laid hands on my head. It was SO cool! I had so much peace going into it, and this message completely confirmed it.

Then we pulled together a last minute meeting for our band. We got together to focus and discuss our goals and future game plan. Somehow, and I'm not quite sure how, but somehow all while we were discussing our vision, he started talking about how he is unsure, how he doesn't feel like he's where he needs to be spiritually and relationship-wise [now, mind you, he's addressing the whole band] and he's worried that he's not ready but equally as worried that he is being given an opportunity that he might miss. My ears were totally perked up at this new development [on a full moon, too, go figure. And all my devotionals are talking more and more and more about marriage.] He went on to say that he feels that someone's been put in his life and that she could be a potential spouse, but he's too scared to do anything. Um, whoa. That's totally what I had been reading, and I was spot on.

I will be very interested to see where this goes and how long it takes.

~Ay Carai

Dear Diary,

It's 2am, and I was thirsty again, so I'm up. Second time this week.

Last night we ended up talking for a really long time. My mom told me to invite him over for Thanksgiving. He wants me and my family to meet his family. This is all really awkward.

He asked me to be patient with him, spiritually, as he's struggling with just surviving and wanting to go deeper in his walk. He said it gives him trouble to committing to things. He said it's always good to talk to me. But the more I talk to him, the deeper I fall for him, and we're just friends possibly forever to remain just so.

Must pull heart out of shark-infested waters...

I know he's looking for someone to just listen and not judge, someone to counsel and encourage, but he's not ready for a mate. I'm all that first stuff, but I'm in dire need of the second. But every time I draw back, he starts to wither away. His reaction is to try to spend time with me or call me; it's his way of calling for help. Still trying to figure out whether I am discipling him [or if I'm even in a position to as he knows more Scripture than I do] or if he is courting me. Agape love is and has been easily and egalitarian expressed towards all the 'brothers and sisters' or as a 'sister in Christ', but the deep-seated romantic love is far more dangerous. If it is nursed at all, it is in a dark cave far within the secret place which may or may never open to me.

But he asked me to be patient, and it's not like anything else interesting is going on in my life, so I'm willing to sit here and fish for his heart.


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Dear Diary,

  • He called me just before midnight last night
  • I'm so confused
  • This morning I cleaned a bit
  • I had the day off today, by the way
  • I went to that old trail by the fort
  • I was just planning to get some fresh air
  • I walked five miles and found some old bricks
  • I wanted to take a brick but just took pictures instead
  • I hope he calls again

-just me

Monday, November 10, 2008

Dear Diary,

In the night I dreamt of a stranger who gave me hope. It clung to me all the morning and slowly burned off from my soul like the dew. It was refreshing while it lasted. It is a shame he was just a dream.

And I am here again. With you.

Wonders never cease.


Sunday, November 9, 2008

Dear Diary,

I think my greatest fault is that I get too attached to individuals who eventually get on my nerves but by then it's too late to break away.

He called her and not me. Guess I should've seen that one coming.

Could sleep only a wink or two last night- I was too nervous about directing the choir this morning. I was scared out of my wits but they said I looked calm and like I was at home there. Drat my suave performance skills.

I still think it was funny that the half-Puerto Rican was leading worship and I [being the full-blooded Puerto Rican] was directing the choir, and another half- Puerto Rican was singing the offering special.

Puerto Ricans rock the Lord's House. And that's all I have to say about that.

~the anti-mahler