Saturday, February 28, 2009

So, it's 11pm on a Saturday night and I was home alone sorting vegetables after I finished composing two more pages on my new piece. While I was separating the broccoli from the carrots, my cat was just staring at me like 'what is wrong with you? Don't you have anything better to do?'

There's a full, blown out rave/party going on next door.

I think I'm going to have some carrots and strawberries, take some heavy duty pain meds, and settle into bed to forget about life for a while.

Don't Even Bother

i've practiced until my hands are raw, my back is sore, and my brain is worn out. i can hear them practicing bass and jamming and having fun next door. i feel so dead compared to them. why am i this zombie machine? why am i the responsible adult?

why have all of my friends moved away? even the ones that live in the same city as me don't even talk to me anymore.

did i do something wrong? or is it because i just live too much out of my head?

is anybody out there even listening?

i'm probably going to go back and practice. when i play my mind is too focused on reading the notes to let these questions bother me. hopefully i will wear myself out enough to where i'll be able to sleep- and hopefully he'll stop playing his bass so loud next door to where it rumbles the walls in my room like it did last night so i couldn't sleep.

Friday, February 27, 2009

I Have A Song

...and it stings when it's nobody's fault.
how i wish you would have fought
me to your dying day
don't let me slip away...

I sometimes wish these words that other people felt wouldn't crawl into my brain all my life and change who I am. Musicians can be so imposing.

So, anyway, I've started composing. I haven't written in a very, very, very long time. The bit that I jotted down tonight sounded surprisingly good when I tried it out on the piano. I'm a visual and analytical composer; I can't hear what I write but I can see how it would work or wouldn't work. I can feel it under my hands, sometimes, too even when I'm away from the keyboard.

This piece will be gorgeous. I can feel it in my veins. It's already a sucker to play, but after I write it, I will practice it so that I can play it somewhat proficiently. Then I will attempt to record it and post it here for a listen. The whole process, of course, will take forever. Which is why improvisation is so much cooler sometimes.

I feel much happier about composing now that I have several years of teaching music under my belt; it's caused me to teach myself certain things, to pay attention, and to see the music in a way that I wasn't really forced to do in college. I understand much more fluently various aspects of form, harmonic flow, rhythmic transformation, and melodic fragmentation. In short, it's time for me to accept the fact that, despite the fact that I'm surrounded by musicians both older and younger than me with stronger talents and skills in areas where I am quite weak, I am still a composer. My mediocre skill level does not negate the fact that I need to speak and locate that voice which has been missing for Oh so long...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Dear Diary,

Yes, I've gone back to inserting the formalities. It's just comforting in a nostalgic sort of way.

Yeah, I just wanted to say that I UBER FAIL at life. I mean, total EPICK PHAILE. And it makes me kinda hate myself. And when I say kinda, I mean a lot.

I lose.


I quit.

~Edna Pontellier


The Creationist
Songwriters: Chambers, Guy; Koiv, Kerli;

This is an old and funny poem
I accidentally overheard
It keeps the little children playing
And bigger children spread the word
My memory is bad
So I always tend to forget how it goes but

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way

You're no better or no worse than the others
We are all the same
And life is just a moment
You might as well enjoy this day
It's time to start believing
Everything you want is on it's way and

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way

We'll be growing, into knowing
While we're flowing
Keep on going

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way
I'm a creationist, oh, I'm a creationist

This is an old and funny poem
I accidentally overheard.

Oops. I did some doodles. Haha. And this is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet. I can't believe I just quoted Juno. Something is obviously wrong with me.

I like the painting, too. I think I might give it to my piano student after she graduates and moves away. I dunno. It just kinda popped into my head today while I was teaching her.

*Sigh* I still need to decide what I'm going to do this summer. I've put off praying about it, but pretty soon meetings will start up about the next mission trip to the Philippines. And I told my grandma that I'd call her this month about going to visit them for the first time in forever. The month is almost over... and I still don't know what I want to do. Or what I should do. Part of me feels like I have to go to the Philippines because I promised people I would come back in the summer. But in my heart, I'm not sure I want to go. I mean, if I'm going just to make people happy and not because that's where God wants me to go... then it kind of defeats the purpose. And I've still got to find time to get my taxes filed; I had to pay a lot of money last year. I'm not sure I'd be able to afford a big trip. But I really feel like I need to leave the country at least for a little while, again. I mean, I might as well, I have my passport and all.

Maybe I just need to chew on it.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

: eltiT

I am really glad I am halfway through my week. I don't think I can take much more of this getting up early thing.

My mom told me today was Ash Wednesday, and this is the first year that I've been completely oblivious to it. Like it's been a while since I've participated, but I've never been totally disconnected from it. There's always been at least some person or other who crossed my path, proudly donning the ashes of humility on their forehead like I used to do.

Quite a paradox there, isn't it?

Kind of like how the people I end up getting the closest to are the ones that live the furthest away from me. At any rate, it is very nice to have someone to talk to every day, other than myself, the walls, and my cats.

Who says the devil's not involved?

The salmonella-tainted peanut butter outbreak has affected 666 lives. Uh-huh. That's right. Read it and weep.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


I feel foggy and detached again. I've slowly allowed myself to slip and haven't been spending as much consistent time in daily prayer and bible study as I should. I've started to become more self-centered and control seeking again rather than listening and acting out of obedience and faith. Instead of trusting. Instead of taking Proverbs 3:5-6 to heart.

My apartment is in pieces. There are things I should get done but I just don't have the heart to do. I know one day it will bother me so much that I'll just pop and spend a whole day cleaning and sorting and working myself silly. Then I'll feel tons better- but I just can't make myself do that now.

I hope I can sleep well tonight. I've been getting the proper amount of sleep, but I haven't really been resting lately. I keep waking up in the middle of the night worried, despite Philippians 4:6-7, Matthew 6:25-34, and Psalm 46. It all ties into my imagined need for control. I used to have such a strong sense of peace, but that peace got greatly shaken when I decided to step outside of the bounds of God's will by not focusing on Him. I hope this week, by His grace, I can realign my sights to what is more important than anything else I could ever know...