I don't think I can watch sad movies by myself anymore. I watched 'The Fountain' which was an excellent film, in my opinion, and had a wonderful twisted, imaginative, heart-wrenching plot. After watching it, I promptly had a nervous breakdown, but somehow managed to peel myself off the floor and get to the piano, working through a Chopin Ballade I've been picking at. By the time I was through, I had stopped crying and the nerves in my face had stopped tingling.

Something about having to comfort myself through all of these times makes me innately angry. At one point I was so upset I considered moving back in with my parents, which of course, is crazy talk. They are the least comforting people on the face of the planet. It would make way more sense to have my brother move in with me. But they would never allow it.

Dear Diary,
I've been fighting kidney stone attacks all afternoon on and off. I don't know if and when it's going to stop, or even if it has already. I do not like this game. I do not like it a lot.

On a more positive note, I got accepted to participate in the Summer Institute for Piano Teachers at Berklee College of Music in Boston. I needed that piece of sunshine!!

Hahahahahahahahaha....

My throat is sore. And I took this quiz:

Your romantic attachment style: Intense and Preoccupied

You have described yourself as preoccupied in your attachments. This suggests that you have more intense interpersonal relations than many people do, that in your romantic relations you sometimes feel really quite close, and at other times you feel almost estranged and cut-off. You probably have a hard time asserting yourself in a way that makes you feel you are really in control of your emotions. You may find that you often feel let down and as if you are giving much more than you get in your romances.

It's possible that your partners feel as if you don't really know who they are, even though you feel you are very intimate with them. You probably have a higher level of emotional arousal than most other people, both positive and negative, and this gets expressed in your romantic relationships. You may find it hard to be without a lover, and yet find that when you have a lover, the intensity puts a strain on the relationship.

Being preoccupied in romance is a matter of degree. A good lover thinks of the beloved often and holds the beloved in her or his thoughts. Mindfulness is a virtue and being mindful of one's lover is highly regarded and a tremendous asset in close relationships. But there's a difference between mindfulness and preoccupation. If you feel that perhaps you have been too preoccupied in love, it may be time for you to consider professional help. Being overly preoccupied in love is a condition that can often be successfully addressed in psychotherapy.

Remember that attachment styles exist in degrees, and in this test, the degree to which a style is true for you will make a difference in your interpretation. Everyone has to have some style or another, and the features of any one style only become maladaptive when they exist in the extreme.

do you ever feel that crushing, nagging sense of defeat?



...yeah, me too.


my mom has an esophageal hernia and she's throwing a party. those are two separate thoughts...

Insomnia

I took some pills so I could sleep. But I can't sleep. So I decided to look up mental disorders. Some more. And I took some quizzes and found out I don't have Asperger's or Autism, which I already knew, but I took the quiz to make sure they were legit. Ish.

Anywho, big surprise, I have a seriously likelihood of depression [which I already know I have because I've actually been diagnosed on that one], bipolar tendencies, and something I keep denying I have- Adult ADHD. But at least they gave me this pretty badge: