Random melodies

Melodies have been popping into my head lately. I've actually been recording them. You should be proud.

Piano Thoughts

I feel the piano and the piano feels me. Playing it is like trying to catch lots of fluffy, multicolored lights. I can hear it in my dreams.When I think in piano, I get frustrated because I want to sing it but there are too many notes and they move too fast, and in too many different directions. I try to speak about it, but it is a wordless thought, a wordless thing. I speak and my voice sounds like an awful croak, a disgusting and horrid thing compared to the innate beauty of piano thoughts. Worst of all, I try to play it, but my inner ear is not directly connected to my kinesthetic map of the keys. One day, I will fully attach the sound to my hands, and when I make a hand shape without even touching the keys, I will hear it. That is my deepest and most sincere hope. Then, I will be a satisfied human being and most comfortable and secure in calling myself a musician. Until then, my heart does battle while my fingers, they awkwardly dance, waiting to land on something that is a struggle to keep.

Dear Diary,
I've been fighting kidney stone attacks all afternoon on and off. I don't know if and when it's going to stop, or even if it has already. I do not like this game. I do not like it a lot.

On a more positive note, I got accepted to participate in the Summer Institute for Piano Teachers at Berklee College of Music in Boston. I needed that piece of sunshine!!

I just stuck my application to the Summer Piano Teacher Institute at Berklee in the mail. I'm so excited. I'd do cartwheels if I could. Berklee sounds so wonderful. I wish I could be there right now...

Dear Diary,

Last night there was a wicked thunderstorm. I stayed up for four hours straight composing a choral piece. I don't have a recording of it because I don't have a choir in my apartment. I gave it to the choir director at my church this morning. He seemed pretty excited about it.

So after I went to bed, it had stopped raining and thundering finally. I had just started to fall asleep where out of friggin nowhere, this humungous thunderclap hits somewhere really close by, and it was so strong that it shook my whole building. All I could think was, that was the wrath of God, man.

Dude.

Last Post Before Bed...

I just drew this while listening to a recording of myself singing the same song over and over on loop. It was kind of an out of body experience. I think I might sing myself to sleep now... or, err, listen to myself singing until I fall asleep.

Oh. And I saw The Science of Sleep today. It made me cry for an hour and a half. To quote August Rush, "I counted."

Angel Cover

This song has always been very special to me ever since I first heard it. Since I've been in a depressively singing mood today, I decided to try my hand at a Sarah MacLachlan cover. I would've played the piano part, too, but my piano is embarrassingly out of tune at the moment.

So go ahead, click the bear. You know you want to.

Royksopp

I'd never heard of this group before, but I think they are totally amazing. I've youtubed just about every song they have available. I especially liked the video that went this one. It pretty much describes my weekend. And my life.

I'm ready for summertime

This is me singing. Yeah. k, bye.

This entry will be unforgivably long

So, yesterday I saw this video which encouraged me about being able to afford healthy foods. I had been so overwhelmed before and didn't know where to start. Now I feel more at ease about it. Then I did some research on brown rice, which I made last night. Here are some things I learned, which I never knew before:

• Even uncooked brown rice should be stored in the refrigerator.
• Brown rice that is not grown organically in the U.S. has the highest levels of arsenic than any other brown rice in the world. Conclusion: they ARE trying to kill us.

Then, I also stumbled upon another article today about calcium intake, which I couldn't find just now when I tried, but it was an uber breakthrough for me. It turns out low levels of calcium are associated with chronic kidney stones which is something I suffer from. I also stopped drinking milk several years ago. Even my urologist couldn't figure out why I kept getting stones. Now I know I need to get more dairy.

On a completely unrelated tangent, I saw this video about people's perceptions of those who wear glasses verses people who don't wear glasses. The survey found that people with glasses are perceived as:

• More intelligent
• Less likely to cooperate with others
• Unattractive

Well don't that 'splain' a lot? I, for one, have been wearing glasses since I was about eight years old. That translates to most of my social life. Hahaha. Or UNsocial life. Moving on.

Today I managed to inadvertantly transform my random unfocusing skills into cross-curriculum, interdisciplinary discussions. In short, I taught my composition students what code is, and how they can view the source for any web page on the world wide net. I learned that, whereas most sites have their code neatly organized into hierarchies, the people at google just have one long stream.

For comparison purposes, here is a snippet of the code for Yahoo!'s main page:

And here is a snippet of the source code from Google's main page:

It was such a fascinating discovery that one of my students informed me he would probably go home and view source files all day. I've started a revolution. Ok, maybe not.


I also told them about the Boston Molasses flood of 1919 which they had never heard about before. I can't believe it; it's one of those golden stories you just don't forget, despite the tragedy.

I also have lots of fun sometimes taking screen shots with mwsnap. That, however, is completely tangential. Kind of like this whole post.

So, anyway, I came home and I made a strawberry smoothie, which was wonderful. Then I saw where one of my friends had twittered this video, which I and my so-called evangelical Christian self thought was pretty interesting.

Yesterday my neighbor texted me asking me to listen to the piano part for Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. It's in this nice minor modality, but rock piano is so repetitive and boring sometimes. It was really easy to learn because it wasn't as syncopated as most pieces out there are. Syncopation and complex, intricate rhythms are my musical kryptonite. So is dictation. Ha. He sent me the message at 7am, which was weird, and even though I responded last night I haven't heard back. Whatever. Boys are weird.

Speaking of which, somebody else said he was going to call me yesterday and never did. Before, this really would have bothered me. But this time I got smart. When he said he'd call me, I didn't expect him to. And now it doesn't sting inside like it used to. Go me.

And that's the end of this educational video. Please rewind before returning. Thanks!

It became so clear to me tonight. Building my band back up is the answer. Chic and I are gonna hold out until the summer so a few people can move on out of our way because they don't belong. Then we're gonna dig for gold and get to it.

It's about time.




And this time I'm picking the name cuz our last one was kinda lame.

2am

I'm back because I know you oh so desperately needed an hour by hour update of my night/morning.

So it's 2am and this wicked thunderclap woke me back up from my about to sleep.

And the worst of the thunderstorm is officially here. So, naturally, I flocked to my computer.

Then I went out in the main room and sang a series of depressing, bluesy songs in the dark as they came to mind because my voice is very low and rich at this time of night. I enjoy singing low, bluesy songs because they're me. I kinda wish I had grown up listening to more blues and folk music because those genres fit my voice type more than anything else I've ever sung.

Anyway, yeah. It's 2am. That painkiller I took was super good. It removed the headache and now I feel kinda foggy but in a woozy, whoa dude, kinda way. It's comforting through all this.

I need to see my doctor again. About depression. And get back on pills for it.

But I won't.

1am

So, it's 1am.

I caught myself singing in my sleep.

I think I was singing my name.

And I got up to improvise on the piano. It was a very simple, flowy, repetitive motive that had a Spanish minor flavor to it and morphed subtly into various remote keys. I liked it.

It's 1am.

At least the party next door is over.

Pish. When I used to party it lasted at least until 4 in the morning. Lame.

Don't Even Bother

i've practiced until my hands are raw, my back is sore, and my brain is worn out. i can hear them practicing bass and jamming and having fun next door. i feel so dead compared to them. why am i this zombie machine? why am i the responsible adult?

why have all of my friends moved away? even the ones that live in the same city as me don't even talk to me anymore.

did i do something wrong? or is it because i just live too much out of my head?

is anybody out there even listening?

i'm probably going to go back and practice. when i play my mind is too focused on reading the notes to let these questions bother me. hopefully i will wear myself out enough to where i'll be able to sleep- and hopefully he'll stop playing his bass so loud next door to where it rumbles the walls in my room like it did last night so i couldn't sleep.

I Have A Song

...and it stings when it's nobody's fault.
how i wish you would have fought
me to your dying day
don't let me slip away...


I sometimes wish these words that other people felt wouldn't crawl into my brain all my life and change who I am. Musicians can be so imposing.

So, anyway, I've started composing. I haven't written in a very, very, very long time. The bit that I jotted down tonight sounded surprisingly good when I tried it out on the piano. I'm a visual and analytical composer; I can't hear what I write but I can see how it would work or wouldn't work. I can feel it under my hands, sometimes, too even when I'm away from the keyboard.

This piece will be gorgeous. I can feel it in my veins. It's already a sucker to play, but after I write it, I will practice it so that I can play it somewhat proficiently. Then I will attempt to record it and post it here for a listen. The whole process, of course, will take forever. Which is why improvisation is so much cooler sometimes.

I feel much happier about composing now that I have several years of teaching music under my belt; it's caused me to teach myself certain things, to pay attention, and to see the music in a way that I wasn't really forced to do in college. I understand much more fluently various aspects of form, harmonic flow, rhythmic transformation, and melodic fragmentation. In short, it's time for me to accept the fact that, despite the fact that I'm surrounded by musicians both older and younger than me with stronger talents and skills in areas where I am quite weak, I am still a composer. My mediocre skill level does not negate the fact that I need to speak and locate that voice which has been missing for Oh so long...

Boom

The Creationist
Songwriters: Chambers, Guy; Koiv, Kerli;

This is an old and funny poem
I accidentally overheard
It keeps the little children playing
And bigger children spread the word
My memory is bad
So I always tend to forget how it goes but

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way

You're no better or no worse than the others
We are all the same
And life is just a moment
You might as well enjoy this day
It's time to start believing
Everything you want is on it's way and

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way

We'll be growing, into knowing
While we're flowing
Keep on going

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way
I'm a creationist, oh, I'm a creationist

This is an old and funny poem
I accidentally overheard.

Oops. I did some doodles. Haha. And this is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet. I can't believe I just quoted Juno. Something is obviously wrong with me.

I like the painting, too. I think I might give it to my piano student after she graduates and moves away. I dunno. It just kinda popped into my head today while I was teaching her.

*Sigh* I still need to decide what I'm going to do this summer. I've put off praying about it, but pretty soon meetings will start up about the next mission trip to the Philippines. And I told my grandma that I'd call her this month about going to visit them for the first time in forever. The month is almost over... and I still don't know what I want to do. Or what I should do. Part of me feels like I have to go to the Philippines because I promised people I would come back in the summer. But in my heart, I'm not sure I want to go. I mean, if I'm going just to make people happy and not because that's where God wants me to go... then it kind of defeats the purpose. And I've still got to find time to get my taxes filed; I had to pay a lot of money last year. I'm not sure I'd be able to afford a big trip. But I really feel like I need to leave the country at least for a little while, again. I mean, I might as well, I have my passport and all.

Maybe I just need to chew on it.

News in the State of Me

Apparently somebody who used to go to my church and lives in the same area as me got robbed and stabbed several times last night. That's kind of scary.

I sang my solo in choir tonight, but since I didn't have a mic I was belting out when my voice was already tired and feeling futile because I couldn't hear myself. When that happens, my nerves all in my hands start to tingle and my voice gets itchy and breaks. I completely forgot the ad libs at the end, too. I definitely need to practice it more before March 8th. Everybody still told me it sounded wonderful. Oh that performer tradition in me- smile, nod, thank you very much. [Resist every impulse to admit how much it truly sucked.]

He thanked me for the Valentine... as disconnectedly and late as possible. I'm not impressed. But it sounds like the verses made an impression on him, so maybe it will change how he sees the world- for the better. That will be good for him. My work here is done.

I'm very excited about tomorrow night. It's a good thing all my lesson plans are already made out for tomorrow because I'm prolly not going to be able to concentrate at all. But, hey, what else is new?

Composing again. I just got a brand new pad of manuscript paper. It still smells fresh and wonderful. I wrote a theme and four variations already, all squeezed onto one page because I still remember what it's like to not have staff paper. Even though my new notebook has over 500 pages. My hand is slightly cramped from composing. It's been a while.

Dear Diary,

When I'm at work, it's all about the students. Seriously. It's not about policies and regulations, standards, tests, making parents, bosses, and politicians happy. It's all about the kids.

So yesterday I was teaching one of my classes some of the many words and symbols used in music, which almost always happen to be in Italian. When we got to morendo [dying away] we somehow managed to get onto a lively discussion about the various ways that people can die. Of course, the first thing that popped into my head was a tree falling on someone. That, logically, led one child to start talking about church, and how there's this one kid who always tells lies and he came in one day with a story about how he was headed to church when a tree fell on the car next to him, but he survived. That's when I realized we were way off topic, and I reeled us back into semi-sanity.

Well, today, the kid came back and told me that he had gone to church last night and found out that somebody in his church had just died because a tree fell on them. Creepy. I'm never talking about that in class ever again.

My favorite thing of all time has to be grading tests. Seriously. I let my kids doodle on them, which is quite entertaining, in itself. But then you get bits of gold like this:

A flute player is called a: flutish flutant.

Flutant??? That sounds like something you should use to clear your nose. [BTW, the correct answer is flautist.]

Lastly, but not least....ly, I found this hyper cool site about an inspiring Lego artist. Sweet!


~ichabod crane

Dear Diary,

I created a couple of songs. There's one using just my voice here.


The other one is more electronica and can be heard here.

Source sounds for the second piece came from Freesound. The sounds used were:

weird loop 1 from sleep
DRIVE_DOS_fieldEG2 from SHEAHAN
loop 02 from Zajo
the most influencial drums 01 from walkerbelm
taffy 1 [dog barks] from uscguy98
tension from ERH

Have fun?