I don't think I can watch sad movies by myself anymore. I watched 'The Fountain' which was an excellent film, in my opinion, and had a wonderful twisted, imaginative, heart-wrenching plot. After watching it, I promptly had a nervous breakdown, but somehow managed to peel myself off the floor and get to the piano, working through a Chopin Ballade I've been picking at. By the time I was through, I had stopped crying and the nerves in my face had stopped tingling.

Something about having to comfort myself through all of these times makes me innately angry. At one point I was so upset I considered moving back in with my parents, which of course, is crazy talk. They are the least comforting people on the face of the planet. It would make way more sense to have my brother move in with me. But they would never allow it.

Last Post Before Bed...

I just drew this while listening to a recording of myself singing the same song over and over on loop. It was kind of an out of body experience. I think I might sing myself to sleep now... or, err, listen to myself singing until I fall asleep.

Oh. And I saw The Science of Sleep today. It made me cry for an hour and a half. To quote August Rush, "I counted."

Boom

The Creationist
Songwriters: Chambers, Guy; Koiv, Kerli;

This is an old and funny poem
I accidentally overheard
It keeps the little children playing
And bigger children spread the word
My memory is bad
So I always tend to forget how it goes but

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way

You're no better or no worse than the others
We are all the same
And life is just a moment
You might as well enjoy this day
It's time to start believing
Everything you want is on it's way and

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way

We'll be growing, into knowing
While we're flowing
Keep on going

Life is my creation, is my best friend
Imagination is my defense
And I'll keep walking when skies are gray
Whatever happens was meant that way
I'm a creationist, oh, I'm a creationist

This is an old and funny poem
I accidentally overheard.

Oops. I did some doodles. Haha. And this is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet. I can't believe I just quoted Juno. Something is obviously wrong with me.

I like the painting, too. I think I might give it to my piano student after she graduates and moves away. I dunno. It just kinda popped into my head today while I was teaching her.

*Sigh* I still need to decide what I'm going to do this summer. I've put off praying about it, but pretty soon meetings will start up about the next mission trip to the Philippines. And I told my grandma that I'd call her this month about going to visit them for the first time in forever. The month is almost over... and I still don't know what I want to do. Or what I should do. Part of me feels like I have to go to the Philippines because I promised people I would come back in the summer. But in my heart, I'm not sure I want to go. I mean, if I'm going just to make people happy and not because that's where God wants me to go... then it kind of defeats the purpose. And I've still got to find time to get my taxes filed; I had to pay a lot of money last year. I'm not sure I'd be able to afford a big trip. But I really feel like I need to leave the country at least for a little while, again. I mean, I might as well, I have my passport and all.

Maybe I just need to chew on it.

Things I did today...

• sleep
• entirely too much internet
• sleep some more
• teach
• eat candy
• bake a brownie
• clean. ish.
  
• sing. a lot.
• played the funeral march and giggled
• almost get eaten by my neighbor's dog
• watched The Butterfly Effect 2

I also walked by a pile of flower heads on the ground of various colors that looks like Valentine's Day exploded. It made me smile. I almost picked up one of the flowers to keep, just to say that I got flowers on Valentine's Day. But I didn't. If it's still there tomorrow and I remember, I might take a picture of it.

The movie slightly disappointed me. I couldn't put my finger on it at first, but it bugged me so much that I kept thinking about it until I figured it out. First, the main character was much more selfish and shallow than the one in the original movie. Also, they removed the element of the blackouts which made everything entirely too obvious. Also, they stayed within a much shorter period of time that was being altered which made it not as... interesting. I was pretty grateful that it wasn't as disturbing as the first one to me, though- I ended up crying for hours when I saw the original and I almost made myself sick.

One other thing bugged me about the movie, just because it's one of those hidden assumptions that cultures make and permeates everything and controls our thinking but nobody really pays attention to it. When the guy had...ummm.... romantic encounters with two female characters, they were both blond. But when he messed with time and stuff, the first girlfriend was portrayed as cold, distant, and emotionally unattractive... and her hair had been dyed dark brown. Coincidence? I think not. Thanks Hollywood, for all of your anti-normal people propganda... because what we really needed was another reason to feel unbeautiful. Ugh.

Dear Diary,

He called me today, and our band is meeting up Friday night. He may or may not be at rehearsal. We were both kind of distant. Whatever. I didn't linger over the phone like I used to. Just, whatever.

Next door neighbor is home; I might invite him to come jam with us. Dunno if he'll be able to come.

I spent the day with a deaf friend of mine. It was good to see her again. We went out to eat and watched a couple of movies. Wall-E is so cute!

~Le Pathetique

Dear Diary,

I've been watching a lot of silent films recently. They're fascinating, not only for their historical value-which is odd since I'm not fond of historical research- but also for their imagination. They used such rich writing and, since the sound was lacking, found excellent ways to provide emphasis on the visual to tell the story.

I am officially in love with Charles Chaplin and Buster Keaton.

xoxo

Dear Diary,

I'm utterly obnoxious and judgmental without even realizing it. It's all because I'm so analytical and spend my time trying to figure out people, superimposing my own perspective, background, and paradigms on them. They don't always fit. It hit me this morning in the middle of a song- I'm trying to figure out people and know how they work the way God does, but only HE is wise. I'm going to get it wrong, obviously, most of the time. I know that He set up this situation to prune me and kinda smack me upside the head so that I'd know what was going on in my lil noggin.

The good news is, after I explained myself, she wasn't upset at me anymore. In fact, she opened up a ton. It turns out, she's just like me. No wonder we didn't get along right off the bat. I'm a horrible first impression maker. Whoa. That wasn't English, but oh well.

I'm hungry.

So I just watched P.S. I Love You for the first time ever. Yes, it's a definite chic flick, and it made me bawl my eyes out. But I needed it. It really tapped into some deeper issues I was dealing with, and it made me talk myself through them so I knew what was really going on inside my heart. It's funny, sometimes, how the things that control us the most and that comprise the greatest portion of what we are... can be so easily ignored or pushed aside sometimes.

I probably have more to say, but I shouldn't type it here. It would be misconstrued as something else, and that is not what I want. Sorry, Diary, but I told you I have issues with trust. I wasn't lying. Because that would be ironic.