: eltiT

I am really glad I am halfway through my week. I don't think I can take much more of this getting up early thing.

My mom told me today was Ash Wednesday, and this is the first year that I've been completely oblivious to it. Like it's been a while since I've participated, but I've never been totally disconnected from it. There's always been at least some person or other who crossed my path, proudly donning the ashes of humility on their forehead like I used to do.

Quite a paradox there, isn't it?

Kind of like how the people I end up getting the closest to are the ones that live the furthest away from me. At any rate, it is very nice to have someone to talk to every day, other than myself, the walls, and my cats.

Who says the devil's not involved?

The salmonella-tainted peanut butter outbreak has affected 666 lives. Uh-huh. That's right. Read it and weep.

Self-Examination

I feel foggy and detached again. I've slowly allowed myself to slip and haven't been spending as much consistent time in daily prayer and bible study as I should. I've started to become more self-centered and control seeking again rather than listening and acting out of obedience and faith. Instead of trusting. Instead of taking Proverbs 3:5-6 to heart.

My apartment is in pieces. There are things I should get done but I just don't have the heart to do. I know one day it will bother me so much that I'll just pop and spend a whole day cleaning and sorting and working myself silly. Then I'll feel tons better- but I just can't make myself do that now.

I hope I can sleep well tonight. I've been getting the proper amount of sleep, but I haven't really been resting lately. I keep waking up in the middle of the night worried, despite Philippians 4:6-7, Matthew 6:25-34, and Psalm 46. It all ties into my imagined need for control. I used to have such a strong sense of peace, but that peace got greatly shaken when I decided to step outside of the bounds of God's will by not focusing on Him. I hope this week, by His grace, I can realign my sights to what is more important than anything else I could ever know...

I left my apartment twice today. I had unexpected encounters both times.

The first time there was frost on my car which surprised me because the sun had been up for a while.

The second time I went out to get my mail, and as I got to the stairs, I heard my neighbor's door open. I kept on walking and pretending like I didn't hear because I really wasn't in the mood to stop and chat. I heard his keys jingle as he followed me down the stairs... and over to his car and stopped. I walked all the way to my mailbox, and he got in the car and he turned it on- and just sat there. It made me incredibly uncomfortable because I could feel him watching me. I walked all the way back to my apartment and he was still just sitting there in his car. I finally glanced over to see what was up because it was unnerving me, and sure enough he was staring dead at me. I didn't like that at all. He didn't leave until I was up the stairs and in my apartment again. It officially creeped me out. I've talked to him a couple of times in the past and know he wouldn't do anything psycho-but I dunno. Prolly if we talked more often it wouldn't have felt so strange to me, but honestly I'm not in the mood for chasing rabbits. It's not worth my time.

I think another reason the whole thing made me uneasy was because it reminded me of when someone else sat in his car in front of my apartment for a long time before actually leaving... and I don't like what happened then. I don't want a repeat.

In other news, I think I'm too open, sometimes. Like maybe I tell people too much, too soon. I've been criticized about that before... but I'm afraid it's just part of my nature. It gets me in a lot of jams, emotionally, but I guess that's what peanut butter is for!

I feel special

Today one of my students gave me a Valentine's Day present- happy socks! It's the only thing I got this year, but I wasn't expecting them. Especially not today.



Then I found out that Mike did a painting for me, too. That pretty much rocks... my socks off? Oh wow. I should probably be in bed now. I contemplated posting a poetic and extremely ambiguous reflection, but I'm sure I will have plenty of time for that tomorrow. Or, more likely, when I wake up some time in the middle of the night. Again. Oh boy...